Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
