hotel room ftw
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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