Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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