I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
