so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
