Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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