I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
How's work?
Spinning.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize