dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
