I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
