forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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