p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I think I won the penis lottery.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
