I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
