I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
