ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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