apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
