My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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