So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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