This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
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