alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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