I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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