I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
how does that bad decision feel?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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