Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
