how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
