Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
