Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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