Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
