You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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