Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
