I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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