Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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