i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
