Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize