I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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