my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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