I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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