Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
