just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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