my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
