Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
