i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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