he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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