I just saw a hot homeless man
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
