i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
