Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
It's official drugs can't kill me
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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