Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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