i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
