Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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