and you said cock pushups were impossible
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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