i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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