thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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