they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
