I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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