can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
