Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
