Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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