Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Randomize
