Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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