My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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