i wish my penis had a tongue
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize