I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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