I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
