i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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